I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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