so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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