Say something about gay babies.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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