Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
