Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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