i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
