she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
