broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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