its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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