Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
