He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
