They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
