When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize