dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
