**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
