You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
