How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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