I got her a Nickelback box set.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
