i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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