Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
