Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
