i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize