Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Actions speak louder than pants.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
