On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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