My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize