The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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