I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
