I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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