Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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