and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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