i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didn't notice because vodka
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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