i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
