If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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