Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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