Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
