first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
