she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
