the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
