I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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