This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My bed smells like the plague
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
