Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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