i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
