I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
