Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
