literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
