haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize