I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
