cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
