tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
