You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize