finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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