I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
