Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
