you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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