is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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