What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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