the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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